Elves in Spandex, Legolas in Lurve and 3 weirdo's
by Miss2Pouty
Summary: It's all in the title, but the fic starts in The Hobbit and ends after LotR
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: We do not own any of Mr Tolkien's utterly fabulous creations (no matter how hard we try!) although we would sooo luv if people REVIEWED (and we wouldn't mind if you read it too). Flames can fcuk off but if we do get any then I we use them to warm my bum on the long cold nights.  
  
Elves in Spandex, Legolas in lurve and 3 weirdo's in Middle-Earth!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
They all stood outside the French classroom each with an equally worried look on their face. A oice from the depths boomed "Alicia, Elle Morgan you may enter." They shuffled forward in a line heads bowed, and then suddenly Elle snorted preciously "if you think that I'm going first, you've got another thing coming!" Morgan retorted diplomatically "We should all go first in a line, on 3" she paused for breath "1,2,3"  
  
The trio steeped forward but instead of seeing stony faced Mrs Wedge they were completely surrounded by an expansive forest that seemed to have no end, and further more there was no way of getting out. The silence was threatening to overcome them until "Shit! Where are we?" Alicia said in a tone that shocked both Elle and Morgan. "Check Alicia the 'rebel' where did you get that naughty word from?" Ell asked mockingly whilst kicking some dirt with the front of her precious wedge sandals. Alicia opened her mouth to reply but Morgan cut in "Put away you claws ladies. Alicia's right we have no clue where we are, and no shelter. So c'mon we better start walking."  
  
The girls pranced around for a bit each one pretending to know where to go, but the temptation of a seat was too strong for Elle who was drawn to a cluster of stones and plonked her self down. She examined her legs in her 1950's style cropped jeans "Wow these jeans totally rock they make my legs look sooo long, looky!" She called to her friends. Her friends sauntered over with bemused looks spread across their faces Alicia asked "What now? I told you not wear wedges but nooo…"  
  
Elle shushed her "No you silly billy I mean my legs look great, y'know I could be a model in these." She stood up and minced around like a 'model' finishing with a super elaborate hair flick "Ewwww, I've got lumps on top of my ears." Her buds went to have a look Mrogan's eyes just about fell out her head "There not lumps that's your ear and it's pointed. Um, I don't want to sound like a Tolkienite but I think that you're an elf!"  
  
Alicia touched the side of her head "Me too! Look I can run and no one can hear me!" She demonstrated by running around and every so often doing some form of hop. "This is going to really help my ballet." She said promptly falling over. Morgan was not so animated, though she was still pleased by her new found Middle-Earth status the only thought that was in her head was getting safety and shelter. Morgan knew the most about Middle-Earth and it's inhabitants but she also knew the dangers, and lurking in forest shouting wasn't the best way to blend in. So she took action "Shut up. We have to make our way to Mirkwood if my estimate are correct were not far away. Keep quiet we have to be careful." Her voice trailed off. A rustle came from some bushes near by. A voice bellowed "Who goes there?" With eyes as big as saucers they timidly stepped back. A figure emerged from the foliage, Alicia gasped, and the figure stood tall with a bow held high ready to fire. "Legolas" the words passed Alicia's lips a mere whisper. Still his head flew and held her gaze for a moment and then reverted back to giving them all an uneasy stare "How do you know my name?" Yet again Morgan took control "You are very…" she thought for a split second "well known where we come from."  
  
Legolas still suspicious asked, "Where do you come from?"  
  
Morgan just kept on talking "A land very far away."  
  
This time Elle decided to talk to the pretty elf dude "Yeah, just beyond the French classroom." Morgan kicked Elle in the shin "Owww" she hissed.  
  
Legolas looked even more quizzical than before "What is this French classroom that you speak of? I have not heard of it before is it in an un- known part of Middle-Earth?"  
  
Alicia stepped forward and in her best fairy princess voice said "It is far beyond the reaches of Middle-Earth, where elves are few in number but deep in our history." He seemed to respond that, he lost his suspicious look and replaced it with an expressionless face well used amongst elves. "You must come with me back Mirkwood it is not safe for you to be in the forest."  
  
The girls followed the silent stranger for a long time. Every so often stopping because Elle had a recurring 'stone' in her shoe so she would have to sit down can fix it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters that Mr Tolkien has previously made up (damn!), thanks very much for the person that reviewed (all 1 of you). Flames you can kiss my ass. Please R+R!  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Eventually they came to the fringes of a vast wood. As they entered the dense, green foliage, Morgan gasped in realisation "I this…" She paused and Alicia joined in "Mirkwood?"  
  
"Yes we are in my father's realm." Replied Legolas, without looking back.  
  
"Woooowwww!" exclaimed Alicia.  
  
"Oooh, yay!" replied Elle sarcastically. Morgan was silent, deep in thought. Legolas carried on, quietly leading them on a seemingly invisible path through the thick forest. Dark shapes boomed menacingly in front of them, and no light could penetrate the trees now they were properly in Mirkwood. The great forest was silent; there were no birdcalls or animal noises. The silence was chilling, and soon the three girls were scared. Legolas was quite far ahead now, and they could just make out the glimmer of his hair "The Ne-Necromancer is…" ventured Morgan taking in her surroundings, but before she finished her question Legolas spun round and fixed her with a piercing gaze. His blue eyes looked troubled "He dwells near, and it is his dark power which casts this shadow over our land." He replied.  
  
"Oooh, spooky!" laughed Elle but she quailed when Legolas turned his gaze on her.  
  
"You haven't read the book, have you?" Alicia asked her.  
  
"No, too many words!" Elle admitted.  
  
L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R! L8R!  
  
Soon they came to a clearing in the dark trees. A few feeble beams of light illuminated a grand palace nestling amongst the trees. "Welcome to my home. You may abide here for a short while." Legolas told them, looking at each of them in turn paying close attention to Alicia then moved her hair from her ear. "You are elven." He asked. Elle butted in "You betcha'! So can we go now I'm getting bored." Legolas shot her a disapproving stare, which led to Elle snorting "Don't look at me like that Mr Cheekbones!" This comment provoked Alicia and Morgan kicking each of Elle's shins, leaving her hopping around. Legolas retorted "Since your companion is most egar to get moving, let us go."  
  
They moved stealthily towards the elven palace, as they advanced they gasped in wonder. It was a grand and beautiful place intricately decorated in slyvian runes and symbols, leafs designs carved in. It was moulded around many great trees, making them a part of the elves love for nature meaning no tree's growth was hindered. A winding staircase of pale white wood, draped in ivy wound round a great and towering oak, vanishing into the reaches of the great boughs above. Legolas gestured them towards the great staircase and Elle skipped happily up merrily trilling "Oh wow! I've never been in a tree house like this before!" Then vanished from view Morgan sighed before following the muffled sounds of Elle tripping over some stray ivy. The muffled swearwords of amazing imagination drifted down to Alicia and Legolas who brought up the rear.  
  
As he walked Legolas thought about his strange new companions who he was taking into his own home. The first one, he thought they called her Elle seemed very merry and bright, if not a little…well…weird. She had flaming red hair and a wide smile; also she seemed to be very prone to getting stones in her shoe. She behaved in a very un-elven manner. The next, Morgan, he could not say much of. She seemed quiet and calculating, he felt she knew much more than she let on. She was tall even for an elf, but her blonde hair was short. The final one, Alicia, seemed so…bewitching. She was not like either of her companions; she seemed happier and more open than Morgan did, yet saner than Elle. There was something familiar about how she had her hair. He was sure she had stolen the style from…from…HIS HORSE! The silly bint!  
  
THE SILLY BINT! THE SILLY BINT! THE SILLY BINT! THE SILLY BINT!  
  
They entered the main hall where they met Legolas's father Thranduil. Morgan knew who he was and bowed; the two other followed her lead. Thranduil "Who is this you bring before me" broke the awe like silence?  
  
Legolas stepped forward "They are travellers from a distant land." Thranduil snorted and examined the new arrivals with an un-interested look "Fine they mat stay in my residence."  
  
Two elven maids came and showed them each to a room. Morgan was the first to get shown to her room, dark panelled wood came half way the walls and in the centre of the far wall was an enormous mahogany fireplace with a roaring fire. In the middle of the room there was a magnificent King sized four-poster bed. Morgan had never seen such splendour in her life "It's the most exquisite room I have ever seen!" she turned to the elves "Thank you so much."  
  
The youngest elf blushed and said "your welcome, Ma'am. We have laid your clothes for the banquet on the bed."  
  
Elle jumped "Does this mean P-A-R-T-Y!" She did the 'Joey' dance. The maidens giggled at the outburst and led the girls to the next room. This time it was Elle's room. A light room with heavy navy and cream drapes. An other fireplace this time on the left wall to the door, it was made from light beech and again had a roaring fire within. At the opposite wall was an intricate carved bed with an ivy and vine design across the headboard. In the firelight the room seemed to sparkle like stars. Elle gasped "Wow! It's like Arctic Barbie's log cabin with glow in the dark ceiling but better!" Yet again the youngest elf-girl giggled and spoke "Master Legolas requested that Miss Alicia sleep in the room next to his."  
  
Elle followed this with "Ohhhh! Someone's gonna get lucky. Oh Mr Cheekbones I love your hair and your arrow is sooo big and strong." Alicia looked revolted by this suggestion "Er-lack! Yuck! Your sick, is that what you think of me?"  
  
Elle rolled her eyes "Pretty much yeah."  
  
Alicia continued "I can't believe that you think that! I'm not like you I at least wait a day until I hop into bed with them."  
  
Elle did not appear bothered by this and merely retorted "More fool you."  
  
The elven girl looked shocked and said in a strange way "You are very fortunate to be requested by Master Legolas he has never asked for someone to lodge in the adjoining room. Many girls would do unsightly things for such an honour." Alicia had now changed to a pale green colour she spoke in a shaky voice "You never said anything about adjoining, that means he could came in and not be heard." She sat down on a beautiful rocking chair, Elle tutted "You virgins are all sooo up tight. Believe me it's way more fun not being one."  
  
The maiden spoke "I do not mean to be rude, but I have other duties to attend to and your friend is slowing me down. I have orders to show her the room."  
  
Elle knew what she must do, so she grabbed Alicia by the elbow and pushed her into the hallway and told the maidens to dress and tend to her in her room.  
  
Legolas paced the floor what had this girl done to intoxicate him so much? She was nothing special but totally unique. Her hair fell down to her waist and her eyes were of the clearest azure blue, but these were not the reasons for this infatuation. She had something that most girls he knew did not. Was that the reason he had got her to board in the adjoining room? He did not know himself, for he had never done such a thing before. She plagued his thoughts for the rest of the night.  
  
Alicia was still in a daze when the maids took her to her room. When she walked in the door she seemed emerge from it. The room had a high ceiling with mouldings across it; there was a bed, the biggest bed Alicia had ever seen it seemed to stretch across the whole side of one wall. There was a dressing table made from the whitest wood with many lotions and potions strewn on it. Alicia gasped, the other girl's rooms were beyond imagination, but this was an assault on her senses. Again the gown for the evenings banquet was laid on the bed. It was made from fine silk and was a creamy ivory colour. She thought this moment was the best in her life when "Ma'am I've had strict instructions from Miss Elle that we dress and tend to you 'fore the banquet starts."  
  
Alicia sighed and rolled her eyes patronisingly "I do not need or want your help getting myself dressed, thank you."  
  
The maid spat "You may not want it but you need it." Before Alicia could stop them or say another word the maids were on her buzzing around like bees.  
  
A/N: I haven't read the Hobbit (as you can tell) so it's pure guesswork, but do not despair I have read LotR. 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own any of Mr Tolkien creations not matter how hard I try! Please R+R and no flames although I don't really care!  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Morgan took the few short steps along the corridor to Elle's room. She knocked and voice mumbled something inaudible and a thump was heard Morgan took that as her cue to enter. As she set foot in the door Morgan was overwhelmed by what she saw "Elle you look so sophisticated."  
  
Elle blushed a little and chimed "Thanks Mogz. You look great, that dress really suits you."  
  
It was Morgan's turn to blush "Thanks! Your hairs really nice what did you do?"  
  
Elle blushed so much that her face blended in with her hair "Y'know just did a couple of pleats." After the niceties were over Morgan and Elle began the long walk down the winding corridor to Alicia's room.  
  
They were amazed by what they saw. Elle ran up to Alicia (very difficult in a full-length skirt) and screeched "Ali-cat you totally landed on your feet. This room is fit for royalty, and that dress is sooo gorge give us a twirl!"  
  
Through out the commotion Morgan remained calm and controlled the only thing that passed her lips were "We have to leave now or we'll be late."  
  
The trio left not knowing what lay ahead, what were they to say and who to? What would happen if Elle let slip any more Barbie information or let on that she wanted to jump Frodo's bones? Alicia seemed to know where she was going (or at least look like it) Morgan also knew but she let Alicia guide the group. They came to the stairs leading down to the great hall Alicia turned to her friends "I'm not sure about this. We have no clue what we're letting ourselves in for, well we do but I'm not sure that I want to be around when it does. We have to try and get home." There was complete silence no one moved or breathed at the weight of Alicia's words, all except Morgan "I want to stay." Her friends turned to her with questioning faces, Elle spoke "I agree with Ali-Baba" she was interrupted by Alicia "Would you stop with all the stupid names!" Elle continued "Sorry, but as I was saying we have to find a way to home, we can't stay here forever. Surely?"  
  
Suddenly a dark haired elf ran out from behind them and barrelled into Morgan, who turned her stony gaze upon him. (She was quite pleased at his reaction, as she had been practising in the mirror for months.) "Miss the feast has been cancelled there are intruders in our forest. We would prefer if you returned to your rooms- for your own safety."  
  
They all congregated in Alicia's room. Elle was staring at the ceiling with a far away expression "Ooooo. If you look at the ceiling long enough you can see your name." Alicia rolled her eyes and threw a pillow at Elle "Shut- up space cadet. Have you been smoking hobbit weed?" Elle tried to look dignified and sound mocking "No but it sounds fun!"  
  
Morgan scoured in the corner and in a deliberately low voice said "Bilbo." Elle looked shocked "Ewwww! You have a dildo! Yuck! Can I see it?"  
  
Tutted and sighed at her friend "No you sick fuck I said Bilbo, B-I-L-B-O not dildo. Plus you ruined my dark and pensive pose. I've been working on that for ages." She closed her eyes and intoned "He is coming."  
  
Elle did another elaborate yet careful hair flick "And you say I'm a sick fuck."  
  
Alicia looked at Morgan who since the French class incident had been acting strange, not so much strange just distant; she asked, "What's up with you?"  
  
"Who the fuck is Dildo?" Queries Elle.  
  
"BILBO!" chorused Morgan and Alicia "Haven't you read the-"  
  
"You bloody well know I haven't!" Elle shrieked. She brightens "I saw the film though and Elijah Wood was beyond lush…"  
  
"Ohmigawd, she's off on one again!" sneers Morgan.  
  
"You're really in bad mood recently Little Miss Grumpy Pants." Remarks Alicia.  
  
Morgan replied head bowed "P.M.T" she smiled "Anyway, Bilbo is Frodo's – y'know Elijah (for Elle's benefit) uncle." Elle sighed at the mention of her crushes name.  
  
"O.M.G!" SREAMS Alicia "Does that mean we're in the…"  
  
"The Hobbit" Morgan finished with a confirming glance.  
  
"Oh I read that one didn't get it though, what's it about again?" Elle nibbled her lip.  
  
Morgan spoke flatly "Just smile and nod Elle, it'll be better for everyone." Elle missed the point of the sarcastic comment and replied slyly "Will Elijah be with him? 'Coz if he is I would…"  
  
Alicia cut in "We know what you would love to do, but his hobbit hood will stay intact for the time being. Elle he's not with Bilbo he's not even born!"  
  
Elle slapped her thigh pantomime style "Awwww! Damn!" She looked out with a smile on her face and spoke "Shall we sneak out?"  
  
  
  
"Well how was I to know that they had C.C.T.V? We're like in a giant tree house thing!" Ell moans. She occupies herself by reciting the alphabet "A, B, D, F, E, J, H…" Morgan roamed restlessly around their confines.  
  
"So anyway, w ho is this Dildo dude?" Elle pipes up, Alicia and Morgan corrected her at the same time "BILBO! There was a hobbit and he was the uncle of Frodo! B-I-L-B-O! B-I-L-B-O! B-I-L-B-O, AND Bilbo was his name-o!" (To the tune of Bingo) they sang. Elle wasn't listening. A few minutes later, she asked: "So, anyway, who is this Dildo dude?" She was greeted with a stony silence. With rocks in, Morgan even chucked some boulders. "Yea-ouch!" Elle jumped kicking Morgan in the face "I a have a black belt in Carrot-Hay." Alicia punched Elle several times on the arm "Shut up!"  
  
A random voice shouted "Bitch-Fight!" Suddenly Alicia's room became over populated with stray elves in spandex. Morgan was transformed 'The Boulder!' Alicia became 'Potteri!' and finally Elle became 'Sugar-Kane!' The fight started when Alicia punched Elle again. Elle slowly floated up in the air and hovered for a moment before flipping backwards three times: She came to an embarrassing stop halfway through the last flip! Elf technology wasn't up to much yet. Some harried- looking elves reattached then wires round her waist, and the problem was rectified. Finishing with a Matrix style-fighting pose Elle proceeded to tap dance on Morgan's head. An enraged Morgan picked up a near by elf and chucked him headfirst at Alicia. Unfortunately the elf had not been attached to the safety wires; He tumbled into Alicia, knocking her over. Morgan bellowed "WAR IS RAW!" at the top of her voice whilst beating her chest. An obnoxious looking elf turned "Hun! It's RAW IS WAR, get it right." Morgan turned a strange turquoise colour in her rage. "Aaaaaaaaa!" she let out a bloodthirsty roar, grabbing the nearest vine, and launching herself at the elf, who happened to be the umpire. "PILE UP!" she hollered.  
  
2 black eyes, a bleeding nose and 4 broken limbs later, a furious Morgan was hauled off what was left of her opponent by Alicia and Elle. "Come on Tarzana, leave the nice elf alone." Sniggered Alicia.  
  
"But I don't want to." Pouted Morgan as she crossed her arms and stamped her foot on the ground. "Well your gonna!" An angry looking elf took the girls by the arm and hauled them down to see the healers. Who did looked shocked at the three bashed maidens "What happened to you?" A healers asked Morgan spoke softly (for a change) "A wrestling match started" The healer tutted "E.W.F.* is very dangerous you shouldn't get involved. Elves have so much spare time that the prospect of any entertainment sends them over the edge."  
  
Alicia who was nursing a bump on the head, that every so often made people become double, rasped "It was just a bitch fight between friends, then suddenly loads of elves pounced wearing weird variations of spandex." She muttered to herself "I don't know which was scarier!" Elle escaped almost untouched except for where the wire had rubbed. Alicia's nancy punches didn't do much damage. Morgan came out worst of all she had a pounding headache where Elle had tap danced on her, scratches, bites, bruises and worst of all vine burns on her legs that hurt like a bitch. Morgan moaned to Elle "How come you're not lying in a pool of blood of have ghastly rashes on your thighs?"  
  
Elle shrugged "I'm lucky I guess." Just the Alicia's eyes went all rolly and she fainted. Morgan winced trying to catch her "Mabey I shouldn't have hurled that elf at her." The only reply she got was a "You think!" form Elle who was flashing her 'battle' wounds.  
  
Alicia was having the weirdest dream she punched Elle and then loads of elves came and…hang on that wasn't a dream. Alicia threw her eyes open to be met with Elle looking at her from above. All Alicia could do was scream and then Elle screamed and she went pelting through the air and landed on the floor with a thud. Alicia who still looked like a startled squirrel said, "Don't do that you dosy cow. You scared the heebie-geebies out of me."  
  
Elle scrambled to her feet "Well I'm sorry but you looked so I checked to see if you were breathing."  
  
Alicia touched her head and her hand came into contact with a large and way too painful bump "Euw. How did that get there?" Morgan walked in with an apologetic look on her face; she went over and hugged her friend "I'm sorry Ali. That elf was annoying me and I can't find any chocolate it's a bad combination."  
  
Alicia smiled "it's cool. C'mon lets go before lets go before I faint again." With that the girls left the healers behind and went in search of Bilbo. Of course Elle was singing the 'Bilbo' song at the top of her voice which did blow their cover slightly. Morgan found a stray piece of gum and shoved it in Elle's mouth, which did quieten her a bit.  
  
A/N: * Elf Wrestling Federation 


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Alicia, Elle and Morgan. Please R+R thanks.  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Half an hour later they were faced with yet another winding corridor. This winding corridor was the one right outside their door, as they had only just worked out how to get out of their room. "O.k, we need a plan or sense of direction" said Morgan basking in the authority. Just then they rounded a corner and found a giant 'You are here' sign on a map. "Ta-Da!" Alicia jumped forward 'jazz' hands in the air "And for my next trick I shall find Bilbo." Elle screwed up her face. Suddenly an invisible force collided into them. Alicia and Morgan grabbed at the air frantically, Elle resumed singing the 'Bilbo' song at the top of her high pitched singing voice. There was a thud and a rolling noise, Alicia and Morgan looked down and were shocked by what they saw (Elle on the other hand continued singing) a young Bilbo lowered his hands from his ears and squeaked "How does your friend know my name?" Alicia hit Elle (who was on her 12th chorus) to stop singing. Morgan turned to the dim-witted girl "Well done! Scare the little guy!"  
  
Alicia extended a hand and helped Bilbo up. Elle was engrossed in how small Bilbo really was, she took a step forward and Bilbo scrambled for the ring which was lying in the floor close to the wall, quickly putting it in his pocket. Elle ran over and picked him up. She hugged Bilbo in-between giggles Elle spoke "Awwww. He's sooo cute and dinky. Don'tcha just want to kiss him all over." Elle reluctantly put him down.  
  
Bilbo smiled "I like this chick."  
  
Elle pinched his cheek lightly "I like you too shorty. How come you're walking around this tree house all invisible?" Bilbo looked uncomfortable.  
  
Morgan stared at Elle "We know why."  
  
Elle curled her lip Elvis style "Do we?"  
  
Morgan gave Elle her 'evil' look "Yes we know what he has."  
  
Bilbo went pale "How do you know? Are you witches? Pleases do not hurt me!"  
  
Elle went over and hugged him again "We won't hurt you. Your sooo cute!" She patted his head. "Plus we kinda don't have any magical powers."  
  
Bilbo had relaxed he liked the elf lady with red hair, she was really nice but had the worst singing voice he had ever heard. Her blonde friends were nice too, well one had really scary eyes the other had long hair and was quiet, but very pretty. How could they know about the ring? Bilbo pushed this thought aside he liked the look of the pretty elf maidens.  
  
The girls heard a sound coming from down the corridor they bade Bilbo to put the ring on and compose themselves. The same dark haired elf from before was charging along the wooden floor heading straight on a collision course with Alicia this time. Elle and Morgan hugged the wall while Alicia looked like a rabbit caught between car headlights. To everyone's amazement the elf stopped millimetres away from Alicia's nose. He took a large breath and fumbled with his words "Ma'ams what are you doing out of your rooms? The feast has resumed, you would care to follow?"  
  
So the trio did follow the elf apprehensively, leaving their new friend to fend for himself.  
  
After the three elves left, Bilbo stared after them for a moment. Just as he turned to go away, a disembodied voice whispered "Dildo!" Elle, Alicia and Morgan stuck their heads from round the corner. Elle giggled "We're gonna help you find your lil mates. Sweet thang."  
  
Morgan breaks in "We'll be at this feast, which will give you perfect cover. You have to go and find the cellar where all the food is stored. We'll get the dwarves you do the rest. We'll be there as quick as possible." She spoke quickly. Elle kissed Bilbo on the nose and dodged behind the corner quickly followed Morgan and Alicia. Faint footsteps were heard fading into the distance.  
  
The feast sucked ass Elle thought the food was panties and y-fronts and the elfy dancing was about as lively as a corpse at a wake. Yawny, yawny, yawny. The only highlight was the elf dudes wearing the clingy trousers 'meow' Elle said out loud. A random elf looked at her a meddlesome gleam in his eye "Are you feeling fine, do you need anything?"  
  
Elle cooed "I'm fine sir." This chivalry shit was easy, lalala, ohhhh nice package! No brain down, down. Sing a song of sixpence blackbirds in a pie, smelly, smelly dog poo, stick it your eye, Elle hummed along to her own tune. This feast was supremely boring Elle was overjoyed when Morgan and Alicia came over and whispered "We have a plan, we have to get out of here."  
  
The three rather obvious maidens tried to creep out only to be stopped by that elf (dark hair annoying and way too nosy. Ring any bells?) "Where do you flee to?" he questioned.  
  
Elle really hated this guy "Up my bum!"  
  
The elf stood aghast "I beg of your pardon."  
  
Elle was enjoying this "You can beg all you want but it won't get you any where."  
  
Alicia stepped in "Oh I'm feeling sooo faint mabey my friends should take me to my chamber." She did her best damsel-in-distress impression (Which was actually really good). The elf seemed to buy it (schmuck!) "You must go I will send in a healer."  
  
Morgan grabbed his wrist and twisted it behind his back "Look! She fells 'ill' and the only people aloud in her chamber are us and Mabey Legolas." Elle spoke "Oh he's hot." Morgan continued "GOT IT!"  
  
The petrified elf nodded and just about wet himself "Yes, good evening." He scampered off clutching his wrist.  
  
"Wow that rawked! Can you teach me please, oh please, please, pppllleeeaaassseee." Elle bobbed on the spot. Morgan spoke in a dignified manner "No we have to continue with the task in hand."  
  
The girls crept along the long corridor (rather noisily) and came to an enormous flashing pink sign saying "Dungeons" Elle (the bright spark) exclaimed "Hey guys I think I found the dungeons."  
  
Alicia did a slow hand clap "Well done Elle, what would we do with out you?"  
  
Elle returned with a jagged comment "I don't know die perhaps!"  
  
They opened the door and Elle just about toppled in luckily Alicia was there as a leaning post, unfortunately for Alicia she was there as a leaning post and Elle was very heavy for a skinny girl. Alicia went flying down the stairs. The only thing that was within reach to grab onto was Elle's skirt, ripping it right off. As Alicia tumbled down the stairs Elle's skirt in hand, Elle stood at the top exposing a very red pair of 'Star Wars' pants. Morgan tried not to laugh as she went to retrieve her crumpled friend from the bottom of the stair, as she waltzed past Elle she giggled "I'm not even gonna ask!" Elle quickly followed light sabre in hand; she was in the process of having a very difficult fight scene when some fat ugly looking hobbits in cages stared, "Ergh, you need a shave." Elle pointed to the nearest one "Oh I know I can use my light sabre, mmmmmm hhhmmmmm."  
  
Morgan pinched the half-naked loony on the arm "You don't have a REAL light sabre!"  
  
Elle rubbed her arm "Formalities. Hey Ali are you conscious?"  
  
Alicia groaned a reply that nobody heard.  
  
Morgan wandered over to an 'ugly hobbit' and spoke to him. Elle tisked and bobbed again "Why are you talking to that ugly hobbit?"  
  
The 'ugly hobbit' looked offended "I am not a hobbit. I am a dwarf. Hardy…"  
  
He was cut short by giggles from Elle "Hehehe your hard hehehe"  
  
This made him more exasperated "Well at least I'm fully clothed!"  
  
Elle stopped giggling "So am I!" The dwarf's eyes widened. Morgan fumbled around with the lock eventually unlocking it, by this time Alicia was back in the land of the living. All the dwarves were out of their cages and milling around anxiously. Morgan ushered them into a line; Alicia and Elle sniggered at the back. Simultaneously burst into song "HI! HO! HI! IT'S OFF TO WORK WE GO! WE WORK ALL DAY AND GET NO PAY. HI! HO! HI!" They soon dissolved into laughter. Morgan tried not to see the funny side; she shook with laughter at the front.  
  
Alicia and Elle were talking at the back and didn't realise that they took a wrong turn. The first sign that they were no longer in Mirkwood was when they saw Oliver Wood. Of course they chased him down the corridor. Alicia actually managed to rugby tackle him to the ground Elle missed and went slamming into Snape; he just gave her an evil smile. Elle not knowing who he was smiled back, still only wearing half a dress. Snape curled his mouth "Detention, my room after school." Elle cocked her head to the side. Meanwhile Alicia had managed to attach herself to Oliver's back hanging from his neck. He squirmed and asked, "Could you please get off!"  
  
Alicia simply answered "No. Oh what year are you in?"  
  
"7. Why?"  
  
Alicia let go "'Coz you've got to win a quidditch match! Run boy! Run like the wind!" So he did run very fast, away from the tall blonde that had pinned herself to him less than a minuet ago.  
  
Ell still didn't know who Snape was; she quizzed him "So where is your room again?"  
  
He threw his arms up in the air "Just leave the detention!" He stormed off. Alicia joined her friend and pulled a face "What happened top his panties?"  
  
Elle shrugged "Dunno. Just can't get the staff nowadays."  
  
Alicia puffed out her lips "How come we're in Harry Potter?"  
  
Elle chewed a nail "I think we took a left at the titles instead of a right. You think that they would have signs!"  
  
Alicia nodded "Yeah. So what we gonna do?"  
  
Spat out some nibbled nail "Watch some quidditch?"  
  
Alicia took her friend's arm "K."  
  
The girls stood at the Gryffindor stand, Elle shivered and said to Alicia "Look my bum's gone blue! I'm bloody freezing!"  
  
Alicia smiled "Let's get some robes." The girls snuck behind a pillar and returned wearing some nice Gryffindor robes. Elle now had a normal coloured bum. The match started and Alicia let out a weird girlie fan scream that seems only to manifest at either pop concerts, premiers and important events (i.e. engagement, sighting a crush or something along those lines). Elle tried to look like she knew what was going on, clapping and booing when everyone else did. Alicia became a monster, swearing at any player that came in shouting distance, unless they were a Gryffindor player then she would do a little dance and in Oliver's case flash a "I 'heart' Olli!" T-shirt she wore underneath her robes.  
  
Elle had a very short attention span and she was missing the tight trouser wearing elves, you never know how important something is until it's gone. Elle amused herself by trying to imagine everyone naked, unfortunately Elle saw Snape again and just about threw up. The match was drawing to a close and none had caught the snitch yet, Alicia concentrated on Harry swerving around above her. (Alicia has a problem that affects a lot of people it is not a rare condition but in her case it is severe, she has what is known to people as 'clumsy' or 'accident prone', very prone as you will see). Alicia was concentrating on the game so much that she missed the gold blur aiming for her head, Harry and Draco did what they were supposed to and dived for it. Of course neither of them stopped and Alicia ended up in the hospital wing AGAIN!  
  
She came round two days later and found Elle sitting at the bottom of her bed munching happily on some 'Bertie Bott's all flavour beans', Elle motioned to her friend "Try one I got bogies once! It was sooo cool, and disgusting but way more cool." Alicia was promptly sick all down her front. Elle did the Elvis lip again and Madame Pomfrey came rushing in, she scolded Elle as she cleaned up Alicia's past dinner "What did I say to you about disrupting my patients? I said you could be in here if you did not cause any trouble, lo and behold the first thing you say to your friend when she wakes up is about bogies." Elle could not answer she was really scared of this woman.  
  
Alicia was cleaned up and Elle sat quietly in a chair beside her friend's bed, staring at the floor ashamed by what she had said. Alicia coughed and Elle looked up to be confronted by a smiling face "Hi I saw you by the quidditch pitch is your friend o.k?"  
  
Elle smiled at the sexy visitor and said "Yup she's fine, why don't you ask her yourself?" She shoved the visitor in Alicia's direction and did an elaborate wink, quickly prancing off.  
  
Oliver stared at the girl in the bed, she was the one who rugby tackled him earlier, and he needed to make a quick exit NOW! Alicia spoke softly "Don't worry I won't pounce on you this time. You really like her huh?"  
  
Oliver looked confused "What?"  
  
Alicia sat up "You fancy the polyester y-fronts of my mate! Don't you?"  
  
Oliver preferred this girl when she was pretending to be his shell, he responded "I guess so, why?"  
  
Alicia rolled her eyes; men were so slow when it came to who fancies whom, "Why? Because she fancies you too! How else do you think she ended up whacking Snape in the corridor with only half a dress on."  
  
Oliver's eyes did a weird recognition thing and he spoke "Yeah I suppose so. Thanks." He stood up and went off in the same direction as Elle.  
  
Alicia sank back, why was she such a good friend? That spunky dude could have been hers but she was way too kind, plus she was gonna score with Legolas (her M-E mission, now after seeing the clingy trousers). Alicia beamed at the thought of the lush elf, and those cling trousers a bid hit in the fan girl camp.  
  
Oliver caught up with Elle wonderingly aimlessly around the Gryffindor common room. Oliver chose to surprise Elle by sneaking up from behind and ripping her waist, of course Elle didn't know who he was so she elbowed him in the side. Oliver went reeling over to the other side of the room and smacked the floor; Elle followed a concerned look on her face. Oliver couldn't speak as he had been wounded and all Elle could was flap her arms and giggle; she put an arm around the Oliver and asked him where to go. He chose to say his room and not the hospital wing wonder why? Elle asked him some important questions as they went up the stairs, "Oliver, in a fight who do you think would win a kung-fu hamster of an exploding frog?"  
  
He was bamboozled by this odd question all he could say was "I don't know why?"  
  
Elle shook as she asked the answered "Well if I'm gonna sleep with you I think I should know these things."  
  
Oliver's eyes flew open and he looked at Elle "What!"  
  
Elle smirked "You heard me." With that she kissed him passionately and they staggered the rest of the way to his bedroom, (I'll let you make up the rest, oh you kinky bitch!) 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tolkien or Rowling's characters. I hope you like the new chappy please R+R, byyyyyyeeeeeee.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Oliver wasn't seen for a few days, and surprisingly neither was Elle. When he finally did emerge from his room Oliver had a big grin on his face although he did have very bulky grey bags under his eyes. His hair was slightly dishevelled but his entire manner was very positive.  
  
Elle got dressed quickly that morning she wanted to see Alicia in the hospital wing, she had not done the 'best friend' thing recently because she had been very busy. She passed Oliver in the corridor and giggled again and pinched his bum whispering in his ear "See you later." Elle sped down the corridor bobbing her head to a random song. One of Oliver's Gryffindor mates pulled him closer and asked "What happened with her?"  
  
Oliver just beamed.  
  
The guy just stared "What someone said you were ill. So you y'know with her."  
  
Oliver tried to look cool and seem aloof but all he wanted to do was scream that he got laid and she totally rocked his world! Instead he chose "Well I can't really say."  
  
Another person joined the group "Yes you bloody well can!"  
  
Oliver was basking in the attention "No I can't. Mabey later."  
  
The groups of guys looked at Elle disappear down the corridor a collective grunt of approval was heard. The first guy spoke again "She's fucking hot, even for someone with ginger hair." Another grunt of approval was heard.  
  
Oliver sniggered "It just makes her more fiery and wild." That second all the guys turned jaws hanging and eyes wide. Oliver shrugged "Well it's true believe me, it's true."  
  
There was now a slight crowd a random shouted "Oliver tell us!"  
  
Oliver just smiled and swaggered off.  
  
Elle bobbed into the hospital wing still humming the song from when she left Oliver. She ran over to Alicia's bed and jumped on it giving her friend a hug "Babes I love you sooo much." She planted a sloppy kiss on her friend's cheek.  
  
Alicia grinned form underneath all the spit "So it went well?"  
  
Elle flopped back on the bed "It went very well" she sat up "All I can say is that quidditch is good practice. Who would've thought that his broom control would come in handy?"  
  
Alicia crawled down beside her friend "I guessed that something happened I haven't seen you in days. Either you scared shitless to come back or you scored, I figured that is was the latter."  
  
Elle nibbled on one of her nails "That guy is a natural, and I assume that he was a virgin. At first he was a bit unsure but then he got better, much better. Yesterday I couldn't sit down!"  
  
Alicia giggled "I take that was a good thing?"  
  
Elle rolled her eyes and tutted "Virgins!" She spat out a bit of nail "Anyhoo I came 5 times in one night. That's a personal record."  
  
Alicia felt a bit embarrassed but was happy for her friend in a way "Great. They said I could get out tomorrow that means we will have to get either really drunk or try and find our way back to Mirkwood."  
  
Elle pouted (well at least she tried to) "I say the first."  
  
Alicia looked at Elle confused "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Elle flicked her hair "I'm pouting."  
  
Alicia still stared "Well you look like a constipated frog."  
  
Elle pouted more (she did look like a constipated frog) "You're just jealous that I scored with Oliver BIG time."  
  
Alicia gave her friend a semi-evil look "Well I'm gonna pull Legolas."  
  
Elle pouted even more "Really?"  
  
"Yes, really!"  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I read the other chapters and he has a deep bond growing with me plus he fancies me!"  
  
"Bitch!"  
  
"Yeah I got bored so I filled my time reading fanfics some were really funkarama."  
  
"Oh what did the spunky elf say about me?"  
  
"He said you were weird but nice."  
  
"Suits. What did Dildo say about me?"  
  
"He likes you best out of all of us."  
  
"Awwwwww he's sooo sweet. Plus he has good taste."  
  
Alicia stood up and rummaged around looking for her clothes Elle did the 'Elvis' lip "Whatcha doin' Ali?"  
  
Alicia spoke her head in a cupboard "I'm getting dressed, c'mon I have to get put of here is there any decent clubs around here?"  
  
Elle puffed out her cheeks "Nope nothing like that for miles. I feel really sorry for the kids not being able to get pissed out of they're heads and throw up down a toilet, takes the fun out of being a teenager."  
  
Alicia pulled on a pair of jeans and shimmed into a sparkly top Elle gasped "Where did that come from?"  
  
Alicia scraped her hair into a high ponytail "A rainy day thing."  
  
Elle scampered to her feet "Get me one! Get me one!"  
  
Alicia went into the cupboard and brought out a sparkly one shoulder top Elle 'owwwww'ed and sat silent.  
  
Alicia tossed it at her friend "Quick change!" Elle put the top on faster than a hamster in a minefield with a rocket up its bum. She stood beside her friend and cooed "I like being an elf not only do you get to be really tall and skinny, you get to be drop dead gorgeous as well."  
  
Alicia took her friend by the arm and lead her out of the hospital wing "So Elle if you had to choose would you pick the clingy trouser wearing elves or the made you come 5 times Oliver?"  
  
Elle sucked her lip "Ooooo tough one, well from what I know elves have really good stamina and incredibly nice packages so I think I would pick them, but then again Oliver made me come 5 times in one night. Girlie you make up the hardest questions!"  
  
Alicia smirked "I know I'm just such a bitch."  
  
Oliver was sitting in the Gryffindor common room with his mates when Alicia and Elle came in. Elle went over and kissed Oliver Alicia stood a bottle of vodka under each arm. She lifted the bottles "Anyone care for a drink?"  
  
The group replied with a unanimous vote of approval, Alicia sat down in front of the fire "Thought so."  
  
The guy that was speaking earlier sat down beside her "Hi I'm Fred."  
  
Alicia shook his hand "Nice to meet you Fred where's George?"  
  
"Dunno." Fred shrugged.  
  
Elle was now straddled on Oliver's lap and snogging his face off, she had her hand undoing his shirt button and the other was heading for his fly. Elle came up for air and said to the small gathering of people "Were gonna go now, night." Elle and Oliver giggled there way up to his room leaving the crowd to talk about them in their absence.  
  
Alicia opened the bottle and took a large slurp she turned to Fred "C'mon there's plenty to go round."  
  
The next few hours passed in a blur, but Alicia woke up the next morning on the couch with the rest sprawled out on the floor. 


End file.
